this is to say goodbye. to my grandfather. to my old life. to who i was. to just about everything i knew to be true. everything keeps shifting under my feet. i can't get a grasp on what is going on. you'd think i'd be overwhelmed. i am. but it feels as though I am on a precipice of something entirely new. something that i have never experienced before.

we don't have to get any of it back. whatever happened, it couldn't have been done any other way and to mourn the past, is to be stuck in it. I miss my grandfather dearly. If anyone could love me more than my parents, who spent more time with me, it was him. He made me the happiest little girl growing up. I have never felt so much unconditional love. isn't that the magic about grandparents? your parents can get mad at you, or ground you. But your grandparents will never blame you for anything. he used to shield me from my mother's scorn. Every morning he would take me on his bicycle and we would ride slowly though the city, the smell of dew still thick in the air. so many beautiful childhood memories owed to him. he passed away last wednesday, having lived a full life of 98 years. I couldn't be more blessed to have had someone like that love me.

and after all these things. the move and everything, i feel buried under a long list of to-do's. I've probably inadvertently neglected some friends, but the ones who will hold this against me, probably weren't my friends to begin with. the distance is such a great filter to find out who your true friends are. half of the times, those who made an effort to reach out and keep in touch have taken me by surprised. I never knew they cared. but its a great feeling.

Everything is changing, just the way it's supposed to. I'm sitting back and waiting until my breath catches up.